Following months of lengthy bribery and corruption, er I mean talks, with Formula 1 short-arse Bernie Ecclestone, the day that race fans everywhere have been waiting for has finally arrived. Yes, folks, this weekend marks the first ever Wivenhoe Grand Prix.
Following last week's ridiculously expensive and painfully dull procession of wind-up toy cars in Hockenheim, the Grand Prix bandwagon of dullards, models and z-list wannabes has finally rolled into our wonderful town. And with just 12 points separating James Hunt and Nigel Mansell at the top of the driver's championship, there's still plenty to race for as the season reaches its mid-point lull.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, was instrumental in the delicate mixture of underhand tactics, blackmail and exploitation required to ensure that Wivenhoe has become the latest addition to the Grand Prix calendar. She told an excited Derek Scarpenter from the Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle: “I've had to bend over backwards to accommodate Bernie to make this happen - its astonishing how many piles of cash, stacks of drugs and sleaze-filled evenings it's taken to nail this deal, but I believe it's worth the effort. I predict that people will be mentioning Wivenhoe in the same breath as Monaco, Kuala Lumpur, Såo Paulo and Brands Hatch in years to come.”
The first practice session started yesterday with Penelope Pitstop leading the way with the fastest lap of the day, closely followed by Michael Knight from the Knight Rider team and race favourite Derek Trotter from the Trotter's Independent Trading outfit.
Typically for such a high profile event, the pits were over flowing with glitz and glamour as the stars stepped out to join in the 'fun'. Jon Snow, Jordan and Peter Duncan were seen snorting Steradent off one another's torsos in the Duke's of Hazard team's motorhome, while Sue Lawley, Rihanna and the one from Big Brother with the prosthetic knees downed Jäger bombs in the Toy Town team garage.
The race is set to start at 3pm on Sunday and no one cares.