Just days after another stunning Eurovision song contest mercifully came to an end, heroes past and present gathered together on the quay in Wivenhoe to highlight the importance of a unified Europe.
With everyone from Jedward and Bucks Fizz, through to current reigning champion Conchita Wurst miming to a Euro disco beat and shaking their strangely sagging booties at passersby, it was a truly hideous sight to see. But a hideous sight with a purpose.
As a victorious Queen Conchita explained to The Watcher: “Europe, it’s like a big melting pot where all the beautiful people come together to make the beautiful music innit?” Before scratching his balls in a most unladylike way and disappearing into the Rose and Crown toilets to touch up his beard with a burnt cork.
Cheryl Baker (‘star’ from Bucks Fizz) added: “You’ve got to speed it up and then you’ve got to slow it down. Cos if you believe that our love can hit the top, you gotta play around, but that’s Record Breakers!”
Meanwhile John from Jedward noted: “I’ve spent many an hour pondering the majesty of Eurovision and like to think of it as a metaphor for Europe. It's a world where an awful lot of money gets wasted on an awful lot of frivolous things. It's a world where you can't call things what you used to call them, and where politicians claiming staffing allowances of £220,000 spend time regulating the shape of carrots. However, I still think that Ukip and Nigel Farage are intolerable mother fleckers and should be avoided at all costs”, while brother Edward added: “Look John, a seagull!” before the pair skipped off happily into the river.