Yesterday numb men across the country woke up to the terrible realisation that Page 3 is no more. No longer can they ogle Debbie from Grantham’s bosoms while eating their toast or see what Michelle from Cleethorpes thinks about the pressing event of the day with her breasticles tastefully draped across a table, or something. It’s like another British institution – slavery, poverty or child labour – has been tossed by the wayside once again making Great Britain slightly less great. What next, our right to mock the foreigns?
The news was met with a mixture of disgust and vulnerability as men wandered around dumbstruck, confused as to where their next fix of female flesh would come from. As always, it was left to us girls to sort things out and a series of protests and rallies were swiftly organised across the country as women stood up as one to make a stand. Using Twitter, MySpace, Semaphore and carrier pigeons the message quickly went viral and women everywhere took to the streets to let Rupert Murdoch know their pain.
Leader of The Wivenhoe Women Against This Sort Of Thing Society, Norma Stitts, told The Watcher: “I understand that people are concerned about these girls getting cold at this time of year walking around in their pants with their breasts out, but you’ve got to think of the positives. Page 3 gave us some many characters, so many personalities. There’s been Sam Fox, Jordan…. Err that woman with the big boobs. Anyway you get my point.”
Meanwhile, dustbin lorry driver Gary Whiteman told The Watcher: “There are few things that bring joy into our otherwise dark, pitiful lives. The laughter of a child, the embrace of a loved one on a cold morning or the opinion of a topless Kelly from Dagenham, aged 19, about quantitative easing.
To wake up this morning and realise that I can longer look at pictures of young unobtainable women with their tops off for my personal gratification breaks my heart. Somehow, somewhere the world has gone wonky. Why is it OK for cartoonists in France to take the piss out of Muslims – even when it offends them – and yet I can’t look at boobs – even though I love ‘em? Well I’m taking a stand. ‘Je suis Page 3’”
Thankfully there is reason for cheer as leading feminist Eddie Large points out: “Though this landmark decision makes it difficult for us to all get an eyeful, the good news is that your super soaraway Sun and smut-filled hate mongers the Daily Mail are full of pictures of scantily clad dolly birds in varying degrees of undress on other pages apart from page 3. I believe that a kind-hearted Rupert Murdoch is keeping the tradition alive on The Sun’s website and as I understand it, those that are really desperate to find pictures of naked women should be able to find one or two on the internet, although I believe you really need to know what you’re doing to uncover this sort of stuff.”