We’re hearing whispers from the meaningless world outside of the sprawling metropolis of Wivenhoe that the Liberal Democrats have erected a new leader to take them forward into the 19th Century. Communist monk, Jeremy Coolbeans surprised everyone when he appeared from nowhere to win a close fought battle to take the leadership of the rebel alliance from the evil grasp of Emperor Toe-Knee B. Liar.
Coolbeans, who is the love child of Ronnie Corbett and Dusty Bin is believed to have used a cunning mixture of press manipulation, Jedi mind tricks and slight of hand to win over a disenfranchised populace and lead them into a bright new dictatorship where everyone is nice to one another and says stuff like “Good day to you” as they passon the new gold-covered streets.
As a former member of the Hitler youth, it remains unclear precisely what Coolbeans proposes to do with his new-found powers, but it is widely believed he will give the north of the Republic of Britainshire to the miners and will turn the South into a sort of communist theme park with potato queues, equality and something called women’s writes. The middle bit, or Middlelands as it is known, is expected to remain a place where people live on a diet of Cup-a-Soup and weird accents.
At his celebration party at Stringfellows, Coolbeans – with a lapdancer on each arm – told the waiting press: “ For too long the Conservation party has been ruining the galaxy with their wicked smugness. Well no more. Now that I’m the rightfully erected leader of this here town things are going to change. Together we can change Britain, or something. Now I’m going to take these two and show them the importance of the women’s movement if you don’t mind.”
Quite what the erection of Coolbeans means for the people of Wivenhoe remains to be seen. He is well-known in the village for driving his expensive sports car at top speed up and down the road and can regularly be seen partying at Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue’s complex with a bevy of beauties including everyone from Beyonce and Emily Maitliss to Su Pollard and Jordan.