Wivenhoe Town’s latest soccerball superstar signing Terry Johns, from Chelsea Athletic Footingball Club, was recently spotted parking his special mobility vehicle in a disabled parking spot outside of the doctor’s surgery in an effort to draw attention to the plight that the disableds sometimes face in today’s grubby little world.
The kickball king – who’s represented Englandshire at the highest possible level at racism, infidelity and thuggery – has been roundly applauded by activists and held up as some sort of modern day hero or something – you know, like the rapper Mother Teresa, but with a better car and with tracksuit bottoms on.
Current manager of Wivenhoe Town Footingball Club, Sir Aled Ferg O’son, told The Watcher: “It’s all very well mocking these boys, but people forget that under that brash, racist exterior is a simple millionaire just struggling to get out. This poor man-child has to somehow get by with about the same IQ as a piece of chewing gum that you’d scrape from the bottom of your shoe, with all of the flavor chewed away to nothing. Poor old Terry has been afflicted with crippling ignorance, the inability to resist having sex with anything that moves and a racist brain-shittery that makes even the simplest of tasks incredibly difficult. If anything the boy should be given more money. It’s a game of two halves, to be honest Gary. We’re just staying focused on breathing without falling over, the boy done good”.
Following Terry Johns’ fine work, Wivenhoe mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue is considering erecting a gold statue of the soccerball stud and changing Saint Switherns’ Day to Terry Johns day and holding a huge party in his honour. As Dame Dannii explained: “It’ll mean that one of Wivenhoe’s two schools will need to be knocked down to fund it, but it’s important that outsiders realise what a caring community we really are. We’re not animals like that lot in Brightlingsea for Christ’s sake!”.