Following the Church of England’s decision to ordain fruit and vegetables as priests, Wivenhoe Congregational Church has shown just how progressive it really is by appointing the UK’s first pineapple to keep its house in order. The newly anointed priest, named Stan Atan, posed for photographs yesterday outside the church with Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue.
Although there have been some naysayers that have suggested that fruit and vegetables are ill equipped to carry out God’s work, the appointment has been widely praised by members of the congregation and opinionated so and sos alike.
Busybody Alan Flute-Shute told The Watcher: “I love a bit of pineapple me, so I don’t see why it shouldn’t be able to spread the good word of our lord Jesus Christ any worse than say a child or an ironing board”
Dame Dannii Minogue told the waiting press: “It’s great to have an opportunity to get out in public and show everyone these new shoes I’ve got. Look, they’ve got strings around the ankles and everything! Did I tell you Kylie Minogue is my sister. You know, her off The Voice…”
Sadly, the photo opportunity was interrupted by a couple of protesters with old-school religious beliefs refusing to join the celebration.
Ian Man told The Watcher: “It’s a bleeding disgrace. I much prefer women doing this sort of thing. How can I do confession to a potato or have my children Christened by a pear? This is ungodly and if it continues I’m going Buddhist. Down with this sort of thing.”
St Mary’s Church at the bottom of the village is expected to follow suit and interviews are currently being held. The short list includes a kiwi, some sprouting broccoli and a spring onion.