You have to feel sorry for poor old David Camerman and his glorious government trying to steer the Democratic Republic of Great Englandshire through some turd-filled waters – something that's not being helped by the likes of the left-wing media, lead by freedom fighter Charlotte Church. Between them, they've been spreading their filthy propaganda about austerity, the loss of innocence and how we’re all on our way to hell in handbag or something.
It would seem that the former Voice of an Angel has been corrupted by the ghosts of Tony Benn, Ramsay MacDonald and Buck Rogers believing that hospitals are important, the disableds should be let out into captivity and some old tosh about human rights – shouldn’t she be more concerned about human wrongs?
While the rest of the country is getting itself wrapped up in these meaningless trivialities, the streets of Wivenhoe have exploded into violent clashes between hipster police officers and angry parents following the announcement that the Co-op has run out of Sheldon the Sheep cuddly toys.
For those that have not been following the major developments in the news lately, Sheldon is part of the Farmyard Friends range of cuddly characters that can be collected every time you spend more money than you want to in the speedboat-selling supermarket. Other characters include Clover the cow, Gilbert the goat and Penny the pig, but it is Sheldon that has proved most popular with both children and the stupid in particular.
Concerned parent Susan Caliper told The Watcher: “It’s all very well these pop stars jumping onto the bandwagon and moaning about Blair’s Broken Britain, but who’s out there fighting for the real things that people care about? If my little Alfie doesn’t get his hands on Sheldon, we could be looking at one of the biggest melt downs the country’s faced since we couldn’t get Alan the apple from the Goodness Gang last summer.”
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told presenters from the BBC’s Why Don’t You: “This is a worrying situation that could very rapidly descend into a crisis. The children of Wivenhoe need help and they need it fast. I’ve allocated £45 from my personal entertainment budget to get some sort of relief in here as soon as a possible and I’ve contacted the nation's savior, David Camerman, to put together a rapid response team to deal with this delicate situation. I’m really hoping to have some feet – or maybe cuddly hooves – on the ground in the next day of two. God help us all.”