Gang culture has become an increasingly common part of life in 21st century Britain and sadly now even Wivenhoe has fallen foul to this odious trend. While we’re not witnessing the sort of ‘beefs’ that have been seen in Sudbury, Colchester and Brightlingsea between the bloods and crips and the mods and doggers, there’s no doubt that the Scooby Gang pose a threat to our innocent way of life.
Fronted by fierce man’s man Fred ‘The Dandy’ Jones, the gang drive around the village in their pimped up passion wagon digging up graves, pestering innocent people and trying to get caretakers, security guards and gardeners into trouble for ‘crimes’ that they themselves have either perpetrated or invented.
Other members include Daphne ‘fly girl’ Blake, Velma ‘buffalo girl’ Dinkley and Norville ‘Shaggy’ Rogers. They also have a rabid fighting dog that has been known to toss children out of their pushchairs in order to steal their sweets. It’s known simply as Shep, or something.
Police have warned that members of the public should not try to confront the gang as they’ll find themselves wrapped up in another of their fantasies and almost certainly framed for a crime they didn’t commit.
Wivenhoe’s chief of Police DC David Starsky told The Watcher: “These are villainous scum of the highest order and given ‘alf a chance I’d like to take ‘em down a dark alley and give ‘em a proper shoeing. Although, obviously that sort of thing doesn’t happen anymore, particularly with white kids.”
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue has called for calm, adding: “It’s important that we don’t get hysterical about the actions of these four individuals and their killer dog. They might be going out dealing Scooby Smack to kids, bringing monsters back from the afterlife and making innocent people say things like ‘And I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for you kids’. But so far they have only caused 47 pence worth of damage, been responsible for the overturning of a pot of flowers in the graveyard and scared a cat. We need to stay rational. I have, therefore, doubled the police manpower, cancelled all leave and issued them all with heavy-duty weaponry. Hopefully by having all these extra boots on the ground we can scare innocent people, er I mean catch these evil bar stands.”