Just when you thought it was safe to poke your head out from behind the sofa, evil ex-education monster Michael Gove has returned from the grave to inflict one last act of insanity on the people of Wivenhoe.
Jealous of our comfortable way of life, higher than average levels of beauty and painfully annoying smugness, Gove has decided that all school books in Wivenhoe be destroyed and that the Wivenhoe Watcher’s first book – The Importance Of Being Wivenhoe – be placed at the centre of the curriculum.
Gove told Derek Scarpenter of the Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle: “Though the Wivenhall Watcher is clearly a moron with no understanding of the finer things in life, her book provides all the essential building blocks for a solid education. I intend to burn all the current school books that are being used and replace them with The Importance of Being Wivenhoe. We’ll use Wivenhoe as a test ground and if the scheme takes off, it might be something we consider utilising on a national scale.”
The announcement was met with a mixture of scorn and animal lust by the headteachers of Milthfields and Bromgroove schools, who held a joint press conference late on Friday night behind the bins at the Rose And Crown Pub.
Speaking via a poorly made sock puppet they gave the following statement to Channel Four News’ Krishnan Guru Murthy: “Michael Gove has always been on the outer limits of sanity, but this is a new low even for him. To destroy hundreds of perfectly good books is a travesty and to then replace them with this spurious hate-filled nonsense could set the children of Wivenhoe back hundreds if not thousands of years.”
Meanwhile, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue added: “The Wivenhoe Watcher has been trotting out her tired mix of lame jokes and ham-fisted Photoshop for six months now and I think I speak for the people of Wivenhoe when I say ‘Give it a rest love’. It’s never been that funny and to think that our kids are going to be force fed this crap makes me glad I have my children in a private school in Colchester.”
Most worrying of all is the revelation that Wivenhoe Bookshop has sold all of the books and that Millfields and Broomgrove might be forced into buying one on ebay.