With the international kick ball world championships mere moments away, what better opportunity than this to brush up on who to keep an eye on from the Engerland team? The Watcher gathered together a leading team of pundits, experts and a bloke wandering around in the woods with his trousers round his ankles to assess which of the Three Lines you should be keeping an eye on during this Italia 90 feast of soccerball. Stick this cut-out-and-keep guide in your pocket and you can’t fail to impress and influence blokes down the pub with your kick ball knowledge. Up the Arsenal!
Highly rated as someone that can run quickly in a straight line before falling over his own feet like Bambi on speed, Raheed has hit the headlines recently for his decision to have a machine gun tattooed on his leg in memory of the day he decided to have a machine gun tattooed on his leg. Always fair and balanced (like Raheed), The Sun notes about Engerland’s biggest prospect: “We don’t like Raheed cos he’s working class, black and rich and so we will bring him down a peg or two at every opportunity. Come on England!”
Gary ‘Paula’ Gazza-Gascoigne
History recognises Paula as being the first man on earth to be able to cry real tears and it’s hoped that his gentle sensitivity and nuanced outlook on life will bring a touch of class to England’s wing defence. His ability to deliver chicken and fishing rods to tense armed standoffs with the police should prove invaluable in the inevitable penalty shootout with Germany Football Club FC.
Less a footballer and more a modern-day Gandhi, David Beckhams travels around the world bringing joy and light to everyone he encounters along with his beautiful wife Geri ‘Sporty Spice’ Halliwell. It’s hoped that his lucrative sponsorship deals with Adidas, Woolworths, One Stop and Anusol will bring a much-needed iron spine to the Engerland goal attack. Although he is currently suffering from a broken back, it’s hoped that it won’t affect his performance.
As a founding member of New Order and leading UK rap artist, John Buns is a bit like a British version of Kanye West, although not quite such a nobhead and not married to a vacuous clothes horse – oh and he’s not friends with Donald Trumpton. Otherwise he’s well like Kanye, what with his delicious left foot and nose for goal.
Super goal attackist Larry Came has been the leading point scorer for his team, the Tottenhams, for the last three seasons in a row. Gary is recognised for his searing wit, world-class chin and ability to make watching paint dry seem like an extreme sport. As the captain of the team, Barry gets all the girls and will lift the world cup if all the other teams forget to turn up.
As the manager of the Englands, Gavin will be the one that the tabloids blame when the team inevitably come home early after losing to an under-five team made up of ball boys, mascots and blind dogs. He’ll probably have his head made into a turnip or something funny like that, cos the tabloids are well clever. He also played for the Englands in the 1982 World Cup and missed a penalty. His punishment was to become manager of the Three Lines.