Wivenhoe’s eco system has been thrown into disarray following the tragic discovery of hundreds upon thousands of sea urchin skeletons washed up in Wivenhoe woods. The town’s resident naturist David Bellamy explained how he came upon the horrific discovery on this week’s edition on Question of Sport, noting: “I’ve seen some horrific things in my time: a horse’s testicles, dogs playing cards and smoking pipes and a rhino taking a dump outside of Co-op, but nothing could prepare me for this proverbial scrapheap of mutilation. Me old mucker Davey Attenborough’s tiny little mind would properly melt at the sheer mentalness of Mumma Nature’s mystery, I tells ya!”
Wivenhoe Environment Agency has cordoned off the woods and is refusing to let anyone enter until the melee of horror has been fully cleared, while mayor Dame Dannii Minogue is exploring the possibility of concreting over the woods and building houses on the site so that no child should ever have to remember the pointless death and destruction that took place here. A moment’s silence will be held at 3am down by the bins next Tuesday to remember the decimated sea urchin community.