It’s not been the best of weeks for the residents of Fingringhoe. Early last week, there were signs of nervous discontent as the town’s hummus stocks reached worryingly low levels and by Wednesday the WHO expressed concern as the last balsamic vinegar that side of the water was used up on a salad by a family in Brook Hall Road. When it became clear that the town was down to its last cup full of quinoa on Friday afternoon, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue was forced to act decisively, and early on Saturday morning an emergency wall was erected between Wivenhoe and Fingringhoe in the river Colne.
Dame Dannii told The Watcher: “In these austere times it can be difficult to know where the next pomegranate or serving of extra virgin truffle oil will come from and the last thing we need is that lot over there coming over here and stealing our basics cos they haven’t got the wherewithal to keep their own house in order. For this reason we’ve been forced to keep them away.”
Though the move has been widely applauded by concerned Wivenhoe locals bothered that their larders could be raided at any moment, there has been a growing empathy for the problems being faced across the water.
Activist Tristam Muesli told The Watcher: “We have to understand that one day this could be us suffering, so I’m imploring any locals that have any spare curly kale, Prosecco or shitake mushrooms to please put them into the Fortnum and Mason hampers that have been left outside Wivenhoe Library.”
It’s hoped that Waitrose will be able to get some emergency deliveries into Fingringhoe before the end of the week, but the fear that such a catastrophe could befall Wivenhoe has led to panic buying of Waitrose’s essentials.
Worried mother of three, Gwyneth Middle-Class, told The Watcher: “I’m really starting to get concerned. How are my children supposed to make it through the day without cous cous? I’ve written a rather strongly worded letter to my acupuncturist and am planning on starting a petition on Change.org when I get back from yoga.”