Childhood is one of the most magical passages of our life, where the simple pleasures of rubbing playdough into the wall, cutting the dog’s hair or drawing crude phalluses on post-it notes and sticking them to other people’s backs are enough to while away our sorry existence.
But there comes a time when we all have to face facts and realise that it’s a shitty world out there where horrible things happen and idiotholes like Simon Cowell exist.
Whether it be the realisation that the tooth fairy smells of cheap booze and fags, Tinky Winky made his millions through slavery and prostitution or that Michael Gove is actually real, growing up is a bleak experience that shatters dreams and rubs crap into the face of innocence.
Much as we’d like to wrap our little darlings up in cotton wool and shield them from the realities of Jeremy Clarkson’s jeans-and-leather jacket combination and the horror of chicken nuggets, there’s only so much we can do to protect them from the truths of the world.
This morning across the UK, millions of children are waking up to the shattering realistion that The Wivenhoe Watcher isn’t a real, ultra-intelligent, multi-talented super being, but in fact an imaginary figure created by their parents to make sure they behave themselves.
Child psychologist Keith Thinker explains: “For years now we’ve lived this double life with our children, telling them on the one hand it’s important to always tell the truth and that it’s wicked and deceitful to lie, while at the same time creating this imaginary figure that they can pin all their hopes and dreams on.
If parents really thought about the damage they’re doing to their kids by making shallow promises and threatening: ‘If you don’t eat your greens, The Wivenhoe Watcher won’t do one of her mildly diverting and not really funny stories’ they’d curl up and weep themselves into a pit of despair.
It’s a disgrace I tells ya. This situ is proper wrong and brothers and sistas need to recognise.”
As youngsters hit upon the realistion that ‘The Watcher’ isn’t the glamorous figure they’d imagined – with the lips of Scarlett Johansson, the hips of Marilyn Monroe and the nips of Ed Balls – but the fabrication of a team of substandard comedy writers, another shred of our dignity falls away like flecks of dandruff from BBC newsreader George Alagiah’s head.
And the sad truth is that by reading this nonsense you are contributing to society’s downfall. So what can you do to right this despicable wrong? Thankfully, the answer is a simple one.
Stop now; turn off your phone, laptop or tablet. Quit wasting your time with this Facebook nonsense. It’s full of nothing but idiots desperately screaming look at me, pouting girls, muscle-flexing boys and cats. Shiddle-loads of cats. Deny the existence of this Watcher charlatan and go and spend some time with the ones you love…