Forget the revelation that Darth Vadar is actually Han Solo’s dad, Katie Hopkins is one fifth leopard sick or David Cameraman is a lying, self-serving scum sucker that hates any poor, coloured or disabled person that’s not a member of posh club, the big news being spurted out of the great news generator in the sky right now is that Wivenhoe’s very own pirate radio station Colne Radio has signed up one of the BBC’s most sought-after stars in a three-month deal believed to be worth a seven-figure sum, a tin of Pedigree Chump and a rubber ball with a bell in the middle .
Widely regarded as one of BBC One’s documentary/comedy series Eastender’s best written and most believable characters, Wellard the dog was exclusively unveiled today as the new face of Colne Radio’s breakfast show.
Radio controller Kenneth Tynan-Weird exclusively told The Watcher: “We’ve been in big-money negotiations with the BBC for some time now, trying to nail down some big names for Colne Radio’s Summer roadshow. I’ve had my eye on a number of ex-Radio One presenters, but it seems that every time I try and go for one, a rival station called Yewtree has beaten me to it. Finally, we managed to get in touch with Wellard and I’m delighted to announce that he will be bringing his unique skillset to the breakfast show over the coming months. I’d imagine he’ll be dog-tired having to get up every day… ha ha, you see what I did there? Dog tired… He’s a dog and he’s got to get up early… a dog… early… oh forget about it…”
In his first press briefing this afternoon, Wellard ingratiated himself to Wivenhoe’s finest journalists by sniffing Dereck S Carpenter’s rear end, before releasing some sort of foul odour into the air and then licking his own balls.
Wellard starts on the early shift tomorrow morning, when he’ll be mainly in charge of travel news, scooting around the studio on all fours to sort out that itch and the pollen count.