There’s nothing the good folk of Wivenhoe enjoy more than helping in the plight of protected species, particularly when it comes to freeing Willy if you know what I mean. So it came as no surprise when the residents awoke yesterday morning to the pitiful howls of disillusionment from this peculiar looking creature, that they piled in to do their bit.
The Environment Agency reported the poor cold-blooded beast – first thought to be a warthog – got stuck in the mud after trying to swim close to the shore to get a better look at a red Ford Escort XR3 whereupon it managed to beach its bloated body as it thrashed around in a fit of self-righteous indignation, spitting its rancid bile at anyone unfortunate enough to come close.
Quick-thinking residents formed a human chain and were able to keep the whale (not sure if it’s a sperm or a blue variety) from drying up by dousing it with Castrol GTX and minestrone-flavoured Cup-a-soup, before finally freeing it and watching it lollop back into the water, like a bowl of cold lifeless jelly into a tin bath.
Wivenhoe’s resident naturist, Doctor David Bellamy told BBC Look East: “It’s rare to see these cumbersome, clumsy creatures alone at this time of year. They usually travel in pods of three, but this one seems to have lost its mates – the irritating one and the slightly less irritating but nonetheless irksome one that’s always crashing. Thankfully, by moving it away from our waters it is less likely to pollute our environment with its vile, noxious emissions”.