For years the Wildman of Wivenhoe has been believed to be little more than a poorly conceived myth, with sightings few and far between. There was of course that infamous blurry photograph taken in 1986 by Barry and Norma Stitts, which was later revealed to a be a fake. And in the early nineties the Sunday Sport sent a team of ‘sexperts’ to the woods to try and lure him into the open, but all to no avail.
But The Watcher can exclusively reveal that he is as real as those love bites on the neck of that young lad in the Co-op.
Bayleaf told BBC Look East: “I was just setting up and getting Twiggy to get some oxtail down her neck when this huge bloke came crashing through the bushes and knicked a load of boxes of tomato and quaalade flavour. I’m gutted, I was planning on having them for me tea.”
Over the years the Wildman has been blamed for a number of mysterious incidents from the disappearance of washing from the gardens of surrounding houses to the poor running of the train into London, but this is the first time he’s actually been caught on camera.
Dr Eddie Large, head of urban myths, crop circle studies and other bullshiddles at Edinburgh University told The Watcher: “The Wildman of Wivenhoe is up there with all the biggies. From Nessie to the bearded lady of Guildford, we’ve been baffled by these anomalies for years. I personally never thought we’d get to see evidence of him in my lifetime and I’m really excited by what I’ve seen. For me, this is nearly as ground breaking as that Harry Potter film – you know, the one with Cracker in it.”
Although there’s research still to be done, all the early indications seem to suggest that the Wildman was a university student from the late seventies that got lost on his way home from fresher’s week. Whether or not he will be tracked down and lured into captivity so that he can be stuck in a cage for our entertainment remains to be seen, but Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue has put a bounty of £27 on his head and teams of armed mercenaries are out there hunting him down as you read this.