For one very special day the people of Scotland put down their crack pipes, set their Iron Bru aside for a moment and staggered over the deep-fried Mars bar wrappers to step out of their underground burroughs and make their way to the polling station. For the first time ever they got to decide whether or not they wished to continue to suckle upon the teat of England or if they were ready to go off to big school on their own... and their heroin-addled-minds decided to leave things just as they are.
However, the news has rather been over shadowed by the decision of the people of Wivenhoe to go one step further and not only sever all ties with England and the United Kingdom, but with Europe and declare itself a continent.
Leading the charge, Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue told the watching world: “Wivenhoe has more hairdressers per square mile than any other part of Europe and I’m sick to death of the bureaucrats in Brussels, London and Clacton telling us what we should do with our hair. The people of Wivenhoe have spoken and we’ve decided it’s time to go our own way and be considered as one of the world’s new superpowers.”
At this early stage it’s unclear how much of a change this will make to everyday life in Wivenhoe, but The Watcher understands that borders are being set up between Wivenhoe and Alresford and that a wall and numerous checkpoints with machine gun towers are being erected to keep the people of Colchester out. New passports are planned to be issued before the end of the week and a new currency will come into play before Christmas.
Money will now consist of Wivs, Hos and Ens. Roughly speaking 8 Wivs and 45 Hos is about a pound, 15 Hos and 4 Ens makes up a shilling, while a thrupney bit remains about the same as 11 Deutschmarks.
Dame Dannii Minogue has already had talks with American Viceroy Obamarama and mad Russian Chairman Poot-Poot and it appears that Wivenhoe will be named the second biggest super power in the world.
British pie minister David Cameraman expressed dismay about the decision stating: “Without Wivenhoe, the United Kingdom is more or less redundant as a land mass. I’ve had enough of this. I’m going home to my castle and I won’t come out until they come back.”
Dame Dannii has warned that anyone that’s still in Wivenhoe without a passport after dark on Friday will be rounded up in white transit vans and dumped at the bottom of Hythe Hill.