The Wivenhoe Watcher can exclusively reveal that Wivenhoe Council plans to unveil a new uniform for lollipop ladies in the town later this week.
It’s claimed that the new uniforms will give lollipop ladies the authority and respect that they truly deserve, while allowing them to cling onto their dignity… just.
Wivenhoe Mayor, Dame Dannii Minogue, told The Watcher: “It’s been a lengthy process, that’s involved Jean Paul Gaultier, one of the Chuckle Brothers and Giorgio Armani, but finally we’ve hit upon a design that we believe is durable, practical and gives those lovely ladies a sassy look that should stop traffic with ease.”
While the new uniform is undoubtedly going to be popular with the community and is perfect for the winter months, naysayers have suggested that the process has been a waste of money and council resources.
Lesley Naysayer told The Watcher: “Whether or not the costume is practical during the winter is something I’ll leave your readers to discuss. What there can be no denying, however, is that this has been an enormous waste of money. By employing these goons at huge expense, Dame Dannii has blown the entire budget for employing lollipop ladies for the next five years. She may have fancy uniforms for them to wear, but she can no longer afford to pay them.”
Despite Naysayer’s skepticism, lollipop ladies appear to be behind the new initiative. Lulu Lamar, head of Lollipop Ladies of Essex told The Watcher: “Okay, so the new uniform may mean that we don’t get paid any more, but who cares. I can now go out and see the kids across the road in the morning, before heading out to fight crime for the rest of the day, and my husband loves it. What’s not to like?”