In documents recently leaked to the BBC’s Blue Peter, it has become clear that Wivenhoe is among the leading candidates to host the FIFA World Cup in 2026. The thriving city at the heart of north Essex is believed by many to be the perfect place for a celebration of soccerball, thanks to its fish and chip shop and disproportionately high number of pubs and hairdressers.
With group matches planned to be staged at Wivenhoe Town Football Club, the King George V fields, the park in the woods and that bit of grass opposite Milthfields School, Wivenhoe is widely recognised as having a suitable infrastructure already in place.
FIFA’s head of all things corrupt and downright evil, sexist pig Sup Blotter was spotted last week with a delegation visiting Wivenhoe, adding further fuel to the speculation that an announcement is due any time soon.
Blotter told The Watcher: “The country of Wivenhoe has much to offer soccerball and looks to be a wonderful place to hold the biggest party in the world. Sure, there’s much work to be done – the prostitute count is much lower than we’d expect and your three bordellos won’t be enough to sustain an entire World Cup, but there’s plenty of time to sort these minor irregularities out.”
Blotter, who was shown around Wivenhoe by town mayor Dame Dannii Minogue is widely recognised to be a compassionate and kindly man – a bit like a modern day Jesus or something – and absolutely has nothing to do with the disappearance of the town’s budget for the next 257 years. Nothing I tells ya.