It was an evening of glitz and glamour last night in Wivenhoe as the entire town came out to enjoy the annual festivities and to witness the turning on of the Christmas lights.
As has happened every year since 1997, the tree was donated by the small Norweigan town of Smorgasbørd, but there were a couple of extra special E-list celebrities invited to come and turn the lights on this year.
A towering figure in the acting world was joined by one of the world’s leading thinkers and a key figure behind the growing popularity of feminism. I speak, of course, of Warwick Davis and Kim Kardashian.
Kim, who was dressed by Givenchy, via Colchester Oxfam, was accompanied by muscular Warwick (who was wearing a Primark children’s suit), and looked resplendent in her beautiful white flowing bedspread.
Sassy Kardashian told the gathering crowds: “It’s such an honour to be here in name of town. As a young girl I used to look at a map of name of country and dream about coming to name of town, and now I’m here. It’s like all my Christmases have come at once,” before adding “Get this Yoda thing away from me and get me the hell out of this craphole.”
In the absence of Wivenhoe Mayor Dame Dannii Minogue, deputy mayor Desmond Tutu told the people of Wivenhoe: “I hope that you enjoy tonight, as I understand that Mayor Minogue has blown all of next year’s budget on this farce and we’ll be having to close the doctors to pay for it, but at least you morons got your pound of celebrity flesh. Happy Christmas you arsehats.”
It’s understood that next year we’ll be returning to having Frank Bruno and her off Emerdale turn the lights on again. Just like every year…